She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
