the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
