i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
