I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
