Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
