i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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