How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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