I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
