You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
