god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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