So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
