I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
