Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
