Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
