i permit you to call me
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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