my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
