Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
