have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
