Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
