Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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