Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
