i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
