sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
