i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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