dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Houston, we have a squirter
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
