I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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