I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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