its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
