it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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