Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
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