Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
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If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
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At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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