Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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