he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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