today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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