you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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