just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
