I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
