Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
