who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
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