Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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