The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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