Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize