you're like a bully in the Christmas story
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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