He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
