How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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