would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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