my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
