How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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