We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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