Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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