I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
