Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
