Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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