Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When did angry sex become our thing?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
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Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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