piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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