he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
